Dear Fearless Love,
Recently, I was at a party where I met Matt. He offered to get me a drink and I accepted. He took a seat on the sofa between me and another woman. The entire time, he ignored me and spoke to her, but kept rubbing his leg against mine. He’d occasionally turn to me and smile as if we had some “secret thing going on”. After a while, he got up suddenly and said, “Keep in touch.” I was put off by his player behavior and abruptness.
Later in the evening, Matt returned with compliments and eyes only for me. Imagine my surprise when he asked me for advice on how to best break up with his girlfriend! He confided that she’d promised on numerous occasions to stop drinking, but her bingeing was taking a toll on him. He also then told me he wanted to hang out with me. I excused myself, gathered my things, and left. When I got to my car, I received his friend request on Facebook. The entire night he’d been hot and cold, flirting with me, then revealing he already had a girlfriend! What’s the matter with him?
Indeed, the problem is him, not you. Removing yourself from any further communication will save you from heartaches and headaches, as he’s clearly playing games.
A bad man is a predator who plays women to get what he wants, which is usually adoration, excitement, and sex. This type of man has mastered the art of seduction— portraying characteristics that are highly desirable, and also showing you FAKE vulnerability. He is skilled in winning a woman’s heart.
The following are SIX techniques the predator uses to hold your interest and stimulate your chemistry.
1 – Interrogation Expert
A predator doesn’t waste time with small talk. He will jump right into your personal physical, spiritual, and emotional spaces. He has an agenda which includes finding your strengths to exploit and your weaknesses to prey upon. The predator does not care about your past relationships, your standards or your values. He interrogates you to learn how to create an image of what you want in a man in order to gain your trust so that he’ll eventually get what he wants.
What a bad man offers is abuse and harassment.
2 – Smooth Operator
When you first meet him, he adorns you with compliments, whispers in your ear, and touches you too early. He may attempt to take you away from your friends and get you alone. He always subtly (or even blatantly) pushes the boundary of what’s appropriate and comfortable. He will share stories that seem very romantic, that pull at your heartstrings for him.
The predator isn’t looking for a partnership. His romancing of you is clever bait. He wants to be in control and it has worked before, which is why he may seem so confident.
Congratulations to YOU – by walking away, you didn’t sign up for his lack of reliability, manipulation, and lies that would have eventually sucked you in and made you mentally, emotionally, and even physically sick.
3 – Master at the Game of Push/Pull
This type of person runs hot and cold. One minute he pulls you in with compliments and promises, the next he keeps you at bay with his non-action. He flat-out disrespects you and disregards your wishes. He tells you he wants to see you but doesn’t make plans. It’s all about tension and suspension to keep you guessing. Manufacturing confusion, longing, and a host of mixed emotions is the bad man’s hallmark.
4 – Man of Mystery
Mystery works. Its appeal is novelty, luring you away from the mundane and into an adventure where you release control of yourself. It also traps you into seeing in him the favorite characteristics you want in a man while being kept in the dark about his true self and his intentions. When a man is suggestive rather than concrete about the future, when he’s evasive about personal questions – his past, the women in his life, the length of past relationships, etc. —beware. A predator lives in secrecy. He lacks substance and won’t commit to anything. Instability and chaos feed his need for a constant thrill.
The mystery serves to cover up his addiction to the power of deception and to women and the chase.
5 – Objectify Women
A bad man objectifies women, often believing that female victims are somehow responsible for their own abuse or harassment. Because of his deep feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness, a predator wants to be seen and admired to boost his fragile ego. The sexual mistreatment of women magically affirms his proud sense of masculinity.
He surrounds himself with women. He will play one against the other to feed his inflated ego. Even if you’ve never seen or met these women, he will be sure to tell you about them. The predator purposefully manufactures a sense of urgency, jealousy, and feelings of insecurity to keep you hooked in his game as well to make you work hard for his attention.
6 – Alleged Sad Past
A predator tells you a string of sob stories about being misunderstood, betrayed and abused, starting all the way from childhood and into his most recent relationship. Get the tissues ready, for he will pull at your compassion and sympathy! Then he’ll make you feel like your brilliance is the answer to his deep well of brokenness being healed. This is a manipulation; it pulls on you to stay in the relationship and to accept his lame excuses for any of his bad behavior. He will tell you he’s “too damaged to have a relationship,” but he’ll keep calling you and trying to hang out. Believe his words in this case. He can’t do relationships, commitment, or love.
Many predators are sex and love addicts, narcissists, psychopaths, or any combination of other toxic personalities. Don’t be fooled by fake vulnerability and a false sense of intimacy. The predator can fluctuate from steamy hot to ice cold. He will idealize and devalue. He will praise, then insult and undermine. He will use sex as a weapon. He will play with your mind and toy with your heart.
This game of seduction is a game of power and control. It will leave you battling the wolves of self-doubt and despair and strip away your sense of self. Beware of these red flags within your relationships.
You are worthy of a man’s respect and time, and his sincere desire to vulnerably share with you his strengths and receive yours. It’s my goal to empower and educate you so you have the tools needed to spot and avoid predators, and instead, attract great men who are truly available to love. You are wired to love and be loved fearlessly.
From Love Trauma To Fearless Love: 7 Tango Steps for Breaking Free From Narcissists and Predators
Download the Free Excerpt: Lovetrauma.com.