I met a woman the other day who referred to me as a “red flag” – that is someone she shouldn’t date. And why? Because I’m in my late forties and have never married. She said I would be a “better risk” if I was “at least “divorced? Ouch! I’ve spent a lot of time working, traveling, and building my company. I’m currently single but have had girlfriends here and there. I just haven’t met the right woman. Do you think a man who has never married and is in his forties is a “red flag”? Any advice on handling comments like this? This is the second time I’ve been told something along these lines.
Max
Coaching and Counseling in Delray Beach with Jianny Adamo of Fearless Love
Dear Max,
The young adult years focus on two areas: creating a career path and finding our way to intimacy and love. Developmental Psychologist Erik Erickson describes a basic conflict of Intimacy vs. Isolation. He states this needs to be resolved by the time we are 40 or we suffer with feelings of isolation. While you have worked on the career path part, it sounds like the second has perhaps not had so much attention.
Having a happy marriage takes proper communication and intimacy building skills, commitment, admiration and love, as well as collaboration, cooperation and attachment. There is a regular give and take, which means you lose some freedom in order to achieve partnership. Someone who has gone through his or her whole life adult years and into middle age without commitment to another, might find engaging in these new habits difficult.
What’s more, marriage is the only relationship that we make by choice where we are completely vulnerable to another human being — financially, physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually. This level of vulnerability can be right down scary for some who may have lived his or her life independently without being accountable to a spouse.
Address a person’s concerns directly. Ask them what it is about your singleness that concerns her; be honest with your response. Reassure her by sharing what you believe makes you ready today to find the love of your life. Whether married or single, middle-age can be a time for an “adult revolution” when we revise our adult identity by reinventing ourselves. The 40’s can be a gateway to new beginnings. Work with a relationship coach to work through any internal conflicts, limiting beliefs and to build skills that will enable you to attract and sustain a loving partner. You weren’t given life to master aloneness and isolation. When you are ready the right person will be right around the corner!
Success is educating, empowering, and enlightening people across the globe to heal their heart’s wounds, to live free from the pain and powerlessness of the past, and to create safe and intimate marriages and Fearless Love.
