If you have been dating for a while you’ll know that navigating the dating scene is downright scary at times. Would you recognize the warning signals when dealing with a sex addict? Sex addiction is the fastest growing type of addiction in the U.S. and it’s one of the hardest to detect and treat.
Sex addiction, sexual dependency, or hypersexuality is when an individual’s life is dominated with the need to have an intensity-based experience usually surrounding sex -the thought of sex, planning his or her conquest or encounters. The secret, dark life of the addict becomes more important than other aspects of his or life such as maintaining regular eating habits, prioritizing exercising, maintaining a strong work ethic, or fostering healthy relationships.
An addict organizes his or her life around escalation of and engagement in risky behavior regardless of the increasingly disastrous consequences. It is not uncommon for the person with a sexual addiction to rationalize and justify his or her behaviors and thought patterns; they’re usually in heavy denial that a problem exists.
If you suspect you are dating someone with a sex addiction, the following are tall tale signs:
1. Lack of character. To keep their secret world safe, they will present a charming social exterior. However, you will start to see a pattern of behaviors and attitudes that lack integrity. There is little substance to their word and you will notice inconsistency with their stories and the facts. Many sex addicts lead a double life, are sociopathic and narcissistic, making them expert liars and manipulators. Don’t expect to see remorse or a sincere apology for their wrong doings.
2. Romance junkie. In the beginning, they are romantic, passionate and sexual. They’ve got moves and will engage you early and often to see how far they can get with you. Although, some will show self-control in order to study you. The more you resist, the bigger the challenge and rush they get. They will invade your personal space, right from the first encounter. They can be impressively scary as they show off their skill sets – from cornering you in an elevator and making you quiver to fingering you while you’re still fully clothed and certainly not expecting to be that intimate that quickly.
3. Sex is his/her most important need. He or she usually brags that they can have sex several times a day, but they are selfish lovers looking for their gratification. Be wary when a potential partner is unwilling to delay sexual gratification in favor of getting acquainted with you.
4. Loses track of time. The pursuit and engagement of pleasure is his or her priority. Everything else isn’t that important to them. Watch for lapses in time and the inability to show up to your dates on time or bring you home when you asked to be back.
5. Unsafe sex and STDs. This brings up the stakes and the rush. Or they simply don’t care as safety, security, and precaution is thrown to the wind. You will see such recklessness in other aspects of his or her life.
6. Commitment-phobic. He or she doesn’t want commitments. They will marry for ulterior motives such as financial gains or status within the community. However, love isn’t the motive.
7. Serial dating. It’s not unusual for him or her to have multiple individuals they are dating or pursuing at any given time, while keeping each of them in the dark about one another. Unless his preference is porn, most have lost count of how many partners they’ve had. He or she hasn’t spent any time in their adult life alone. He or she goes from one relationship or sexual partner to the next, with a history of cheating and/or porn use.
8. Will not take “No” for an answer. A sign of addiction is the inability to accept an unsatisfied desire. Look for persistent signs of nagging, pursuing, or complaining to get what they want. For an addict, your “no” has no meaning. A person who is not sexually addicted is completely capable of accepting, “Sorry, I’m tired. I’m not interested. It’s too soon” etc.
9. Detachment. The sexual activity does not satisfy the addict, sexually or emotionally. He or she does not bond with you. Once they walk out the door, they have already forgotten you. Don’t be surprise to hear, “I forgot how nice it’s to be with you,” although you were together a week ago.
10. List of behaviors associated with a sexual addiction: Unsafe sex. Persistent use of pornography, phone or chat-room sex and/or cybersex. One-night stands, extra-marital affairs, GPS hook-ups, obsessive online dating. Multiple sexual partners. Compulsive masturbation, exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution or using prostitutes. Sexual harassment. Molestation. Rape.
11. Your gut tells you there is something wrong and you’re reading this blog. Don’t wait for the unavoidably traumatic ending of love that occurs when you are involved with a person trapped within a toxic sexual addiction. Cut them loose immediately and save yourself the heartache and headaches.
The best way to protect and safeguard your heart is to wait to be in a fully committed relationship before you engage sexually. The signs of addiction should emerge by then and you will have had time to develop other important connections necessary to support a life-long happy and healthy marriage.
Get unstuck with a 12-week singles or couples coaching package. Please contact Jianny at [email protected], speak with her at 561-450-5580 or visit www.fearlesslove.net. Skype and phone consultations available.